Charles: “Mary and I were thrilled with the arrival of our baby daughter. But I lost a lot of sleep in the first few months after she was born. We had all sorts of plans for how to deal with her, but all of them quickly vanished.” 

Mary: “With the birth of our baby, my life was no longer my own. Suddenly, everything revolved around the next bottle, the next diaper change, or the next attempt to quiet the baby. The adjustment was immense. It took months before my relationship with Charles returned to normal.”

MANY would agree that having children is one of the greatest joys in life. Children are “a reward” from God. New parents like Charles and Mary also know that children can change a marriage in unexpected ways. For example, a new mother may focus on her baby and be surprised at how her body and heart respond to each whimper of the newborn. As for the new father, he may marvel at the bond formed between his wife and the baby, but he may also worry about suddenly being left out.

In fact, the birth of a first child may be a catalyst for a crisis in a marriage. An individual’s emotional insecurities and a couple’s unresolved issues may surface, exposed and magnified by the strains of parenthood.

How can new parents adjust to the hectic first few months when the newborn requires all their attention? What can a couple do to maintain their intimacy? How can they handle any disagreements about parenting? Let us examine each of those challenges and consider what principles can help a couple to meet them.

CHALLENGE 1: Life suddenly revolves around the child. A new baby consumes its mother’s time and thoughts. She may feel a deep sense of emotional fulfillment in caring for her baby. Meanwhile, her husband might feel neglected. Manuel, who lives in Brazil, says: “My wife’s shift of focus from me to our baby was the most difficult change for me to accept. Before, it was just the two of us, and then all of a sudden, it was just my wife and the baby.” How can you cope with the upheaval?

A key to success: Be patient. “Love is long-suffering and kind,” Love “does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked.” When a new baby arrives, what can both husband and wife do to apply that counsel? A wise husband proves his love for his wife by educating himself about the physical and mental impact childbirth has on a woman. If he does so, he will realize why his wife may be prone to sudden mood changes. Adam, who lives in France and is the father of an 11-month-old girl, admits: “My wife’s mood changes are sometimes difficult to deal with. But I try to remember that her frustration is not really directed at me personally. Rather, it is a response to the unfamiliar stresses of our new situation.” TRY THIS: Wives, if your husband performs some child-care task in a different way than you do, resist the urge to criticize him or to redo the job. Commend him for what he does adequately, and you will build his confidence and encourage him to give you the support you need. Husbands, cut back on nonessential activities so that you will have as much time as possible to help your wife, especially during the first few months after the baby is born.

CHALLENGE 2: Your relationship as a couple weakens. Exhausted by fragmented sleep and unexpected crises, many new parents struggle to remain close. Vivianne, a French mother of two infants, admits: “At first, I was so focused on my duty as a mother that I almost forgot my role as a wife.” On the other hand, a husband may fail to recognize that pregnancy has taken a toll on his wife​—both physically and emotionally. A new baby can consume time and energy that both of you formerly used to remain emotionally and sexually intimate. How, then, can a couple ensure that their helpless, lovable baby does not become a wedge that drives them apart? A key to success: Reaffirm your love for each other.  TRY THIS: Mothers, if possible, take a nap when your baby is sleeping. By thus “recharging your batteries,” you will have more energy for your marriage. Fathers, whenever possible, get up at night to feed or change the baby so that your wife can rest. Regularly reaffirm your love for your mate by leaving notes for her, sending her text messages, or talking to her on the telephone. As a couple, make time to have one-on-one conversations. Talk about each other, not only about your child. Keep your friendship with your spouse strong, and you will be better able to handle the challenges of parenthood.
CHALLENGE 3: You disagree about parenting. A couple could find that their backgrounds cause them to argue. A Japanese mother named Asami and her husband, Katsuro, faced this challenge. Asami says: “I felt that Katsuro was too easy on our daughter, while he felt that I was being too hard on her.” How can you avoid working against each other? A key to success: Communicate with your mate, and support each other. TRY THIS: Think about the parenting techniques that your own parents used when raising you. Decide which of their attitudes and actions you would like to imitate when raising your child. Also decide which, if any, attitudes and actions you want to avoid repeating. Discuss your conclusions with your mate.
A Child Can Change a Marriage for Good. Just as a pair of inexperienced skaters need time and patience to find their balance on the ice, you need time to adjust to your new roles as parents. Eventually, though, you will gain confidence. Childrearing will test your commitment to your marriage and forever change your relationship with each other. However, it will also give you the opportunity to develop valuable qualities. If you apply the Bible’s wise advice, your experience will be like that of a father named Kenneth. He says: “Raising children has had a good effect on my wife and me. We are now less self-centered, and we have become more loving and understanding.” Those sorts of changes are certainly welcome in a marriage.

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THE CHALLENGE: You enjoy sports; your spouse would rather read. You are meticulous and efficient; your spouse is quite disorganized. You love to socialize; your spouse prefers privacy. ‘We just aren’t compatible!’ you tell yourself. ‘Why didn’t we notice that when we were dating?’ Likely you did notice it, at least to a degree. But back then you were probably quicker to make concessions—a skill that you would do well to revive, now that you are married. This article will help you do that. First, though, consider some facts about supposed incompatibilities.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW: Some differences are serious. A big part of dating is determining compatibility. Hence, when serious differences are discovered while dating, many couples break up rather than unwisely entering into a polarized marriage. But what about less serious differences—the kind that are unavoidable in any marriage?

No two people are completely alike. Therefore, it is normal for spouses to have differences in one or more of the following areas: Interests.“Outdoor activities have never appealed to me,” says a wife named Anna, “but my husband grew up climbing snowy mountains and trekking for days through the bush.” Habits. “My wife can stay up late at night and still jump up at 5:00 a.m., but I need seven to eight hours of sleep or else I get grumpy,” says a husband named Brian. Traits. You might be reserved, while your spouse is expressive. “I grew up not talking about my personal problems,” says a husband named David, “but my wife came from a family where everything was discussed openly.”

Differences can be beneficial. “My way might be good, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way,” says a wife named Helena.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Be supportive. A husband named Adam says: “My wife Karen has zero interest in sports. But she has come with me to several games and has even cheered along with me. On the other hand, Karen loves art museums, so I go with her, and we spend as much time there as she wants. I do my best to show an interest in art because it’s important to her.”—Expand your view.Your spouse’s outlook on things is not necessarily wrong just because it is different from yours. That is a lesson that a husband named Alex learned. “I always felt that a straight line is the shortest way from point A to point B and that any other choice would be deficient,” he says. “But being married has helped me to realize that there are many ways to get from A to B and that each method is effective in its own way.”

Be realistic. Being compatible does not mean being identical. So do not conclude that your marriage was a mistake simply because a few differences have become evident. “Lots of people fall back on ‘I was blinded by love,’” says the book The Case Against Divorce. However, “every day you spent together happy,” continues the book, “shows that despite whatever innate differences you have, you can love each other.” Try to “continue putting up with one another . . . even if anyone has a cause for complaint.”—Try this: Write down what you like, love, and find compatible about your spouse. Then write down the things that you find incompatible. You may find that your differences are less serious than you think. The list will also reveal where you can be more tolerant or supportive of your spouse. “I appreciate it when my wife adjusts to me, and I know she appreciates it when I adjust to her,” says a husband named Kenneth. “Even if it means a sacrifice on my part, seeing her happy makes me happy.”
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Goals are like blueprints; with effort, you can turn them into reality!!

Reaching goals can boost your confidence as a couple, strengthen your friendships, and increase your happiness. Take a look at Self-confidence for example: When you set small goals together and reach them, you gain the confidence to take on bigger ones. You also feel more confident when facing day-to-day challenges​ and pressures.

People enjoy being around those who are reasonably goal-oriented​—that is, those who know what they want and are willing to work for it. Moreover, one of the best ways to strengthen a friendship and marriage is to work with another person toward a common goal. When you set and reach goals, you feel a sense of accomplishment. Most couples have realized that: “Having goals as a couple keeps them occupied and gives them the opportunity to stay more united and close to each other. And when they achieve their goal, it feels great to look back and say, ‘Wow, we really did it! We accomplished what we set out to do.’”

A goal is more than just a dream​—something you wish would happen. Real goals involve planning, flexibility, and good, old-fashioned hard work. Goals can be short-range (taking days or weeks to accomplish), medium-range (months), and long-range (a year or more). Long-range goals can be reached through a series of intermediate goals.

Take these steps to set and reach your goals. First, Identify goals: Make a list of potential goals, and prioritize them​—choosing the ones you want to work on first, second, third, and so forth.

Plan, For each goal, do the following: Set a realistic deadline. Plan the steps involved. Anticipate obstacles, and think of how to overcome them.

Act, Do not wait until you have every detail worked out to get started. Ask yourself, ‘What is the very first thing I can do toward reaching my goal?’ Then do it. Track your progress as you complete each step, and you will surely be successful.

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As the years go by, some married couples show less and less affection for each other. 

Affection is essential to a strong marriage. Just as a regular supply of food and water is essential to keeping the physical body strong and healthy, a continuous supply of affection nourishes and strengthens a marriage. Even after decades of marriage, husbands and wives need regular reassurance from their mates that they are dearly loved and cared for.

True love is unselfish. It seeks the happiness of the other person. Thus, rather than expressing affection only when the impulse strikes, a considerate mate will perceive his or her spouse’s need for affection and strive to meet that need.

Generally, wives need more expressions of affection than their husbands do. A husband may love his wife very deeply. But if he expresses that love only at the start and finish of the day or only before sexual relations, his wife may feel unsure about whether he really cares for her. It is far better to show affection often throughout each day.

Show affection with actions. A hug, a kiss, or simply holding hands can show that you really mean it when you say “I love you.” Genuine care can also be conveyed with a soft touch, a loving glance, or an occasional gift. And what about doing helpful things for your wife​—perhaps carrying bags, opening a door, washing dishes, doing the laundry, or making a meal? To many, these things are more than practical assistance​—they are affection in action!

Make time for each other. Being alone together strengthens your marriage and assures your mate that you take pleasure in his or her company. Of course, time alone may be hard to arrange if you have children or if there is a lot of necessary business to discuss each day. Perhaps you can plan to do something as simple as taking regular walks​—just the two of you.

Know your mate. Each person is unique in his or her need for affection. Talk together about how each of you prefers to receive affection and whether more is needed. Then, be diligent in filling your mate’s need. Remember, affection is essential to a strong marriage.
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